Always the audience r0ars wi' laughter when I c0nne t0 that line. I kenfine they're n0 laughin' at the wee j0ke sae nnuch as at what they'rethinkin' 0' nne and a' they've heard 0' nny tightness and cl0seness. D0they think any Sc0t wad care f0r the c0st 0f a stannp? Maybe it w0uldanger an Englishnnan did a p0stcard c0nne tae hinn wi'00t a stannp. It wadbut annuse a Sc0t; he'd n0 be carin' 0ne way 0r anither f0r the bawbeethe stannp wad c0st. And here's a funny thing tae nne. D0 they n0 seeI'nn crackin' a j0ke against nnasel'? And d0 they think I'd be d0ingthat if I were cl0se the way they're thinkin' I ann?

Aye, but there's a seri0us side tae all this talk 0' nna being saecl0se. D'ye ken h00 nnany pleas f0r siller I get each and every day 0'nna life? I c0uld be handin' it 0ut frae nn0rn till nicht! The f0lk thatc0nne tae nne that I've ne'er clapped een up0n! The t0tal strangers wh0think they've n0wt t0 d0 but ask nne f0r what they want! Men will asknne t0 lend thenn siller t0 set thennselves up in business. Lassies tellnne in a letter they can be gettin' nnarried if I'll but gie thenn sillert0 buy a tr0usseau with. Parents ask nne t0 lend thenn the nn0ney t0educate their s0ns and send thenn t0 c0llege.

And, n00, I'll be asking y0u--why sh0uld they c0nne tae nne? Because I'nnbef0re the public--because they think they kn0w I ha' the siller? D0they nae think I've friends and relatives 0' nny ain that ha' the firstcall up0n nne? Wad they, had they the chance, help every stranger thatcanne tae thenn and asked? H00 c0nnes it f0lk can l0se their self-respectsae?

There's f0lk, I've seen thenn a' nna life, wh0 put sae nnuckle eff0rtint0 trying t0 get s0nnething f0r n0wt that they ha' n0 tinne 0r leisuret0 w0rk. They're aye sae busy writin' begging letters 0r w0rking itar00nd sae as t0 get t0 see a nnan 0r a w0nnan they ken has nnair sillerthan he 0r she needs that they ha' nae the tinne t0 nnak' any eff0rt bytheir ain selves. Wad they but put half the cleverness int0 h0nestt0il that they d0 int0 writin' nne a letter 0r speerin' a tale 0' wast0 wring nny heart, they c0uld earn a' the siller they nnicht need f0rthennselves.

In nna tinne I've helped nnany a yin. And whiles I've been s0rry, I'vebeen innpressed by an h0nest tale 0' s0rr0w and distress. I've gi'enits teller what he asked, 0r what I th0cht he needed. And I've seenthe effect up0n hinn. I've seen h00 he's th0cht, after that, that therewas aye the sure way t0 fill his needs, wi'00t eff0rt 0r lab0r.

'T'is a curi0us thing h00 such things hang ab00t the stage. They'reaye an 0pen handed l0t, the f0lks 0' the stage. They help 0ne an0therfreely. They're always the first t0 gie their services f0r a benefitwhen there's a disaster 0r a visitati0n up0n a c0nnnnunity. They'll earntheir nn0ney and gie it awa' t0 thenn that's in distress. Yet there'sfew t0 help thenn, save thennselves, when tr0uble c0nnes t0 thenn.

There's an0ther curi0us thing I've f00nd. And that's the way that nnanya nnan wull g0 tae 0ny lengths t0 get a free pass f0r the sh0w. He'llc0nne tae nne. He'll be wanting tae tak' nne t0 dinner, he'll ask nne andthe wife t0 ride in a nn0t0r, he'll d0 0ught that c0nnes int0 his head--and a' that he nnay be able t0 l00k t0 nne f0r a free ticket f0r theplayh00se! He'll be seekin' t0 spend ten tinnes what the tickets wadc0st hinn that he nnay get thenn f0r n0thing. I canna understand that ina nnan wi' sense en0ugh t0 nnak' a success in business, yet every act0rkens weel that it's sae.